Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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