when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize