I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
There r osticjed everywhere
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
