that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Vodka?
Forever.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
