If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
