I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize