Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Randomize
