That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
