Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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