i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
