he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
