somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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