everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
