YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize