just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
