every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize