Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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