apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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