I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
