Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
