I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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