Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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