What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
