So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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