Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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