wake up i wanna do it froggy style
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
