i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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