I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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