...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
