i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
