Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
