Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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