There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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