Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
