Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
