You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
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