Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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