Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
