You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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