I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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