My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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