Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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