My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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