I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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