and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
