I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
