Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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