Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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