So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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