Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
