apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
