who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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