If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
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