did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
