your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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