It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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