We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
