WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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