In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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