you're like a bully in the Christmas story
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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