I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
