Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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