you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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