your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
