I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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